


Blue Oak's Book of Pokémon Behaviors

by magicalmayhems



Series: don't look at your phone verse [4]
Category: Pocket Monsters: Red & Green & Blue & Yellow | Pokemon Red Green Blue Yellow Versions
Genre: Gen, but he's testing the waters, he actually wrote it lmao, to be fair this is only one chapter and very short
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-13
Updated: 2019-03-14
Packaged: 2019-11-17 13:47:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18099704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/magicalmayhems/pseuds/magicalmayhems
Summary: Someone had to do it. Apparently Blue is the only one willing.OR: blue's hypothetical book, not so hypothetical. he's still not making any promises though.





	1. Chapter 1

Hello. My name is Blue Oak, and I am writing this book out of a sense of obligation. Not, as I hope everyone knows, a familial obligation (see: several late night tweets, of which I regret none) but an obligation to the people. 

You see, most people have no idea what their Pokémon are saying. “Well duh, Blue,” you may scoff, “they just say their names all the time.”

But that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about body language. Yeah, Pokémon have specific tells in their body language. Some are obvious—or should be—but the fact of the matter is that some body language is  _ widely _ misinterpreted.

Like, for example, the body language of your feline and canine friends. Sure, they may be the most popular pets, but the fact of the matter is, both of them are given several stereotypes based on media, superstition, and the sheer non-understanding of the general populace.

I may not be able to control the media, and I definitely can’t control superstition, but I can at least do  _ something _ about the ignorance of your everyday civilians.

And when I say ignorance, I don’t mean that in a rude way at all. I can distinctly remember several instances in my life where I was just as oblivious as all of you. Considering I’m now the speed-dial for Pokémon behavior for all of the Regional Professors I know personally, you can tell that’s changed.

Let me start by clearing up one misconception: your feline does not think themselves your overlord. I’ll say it again for the people in the back.

Your feline does not think themselves your overlord. Shocking, I know. Blasphemy, even. But the fact of the matter is that they think that you’re a dumb, graceless, hairless, huge kitten. That’s why they meow at you and give you dead things.

Fun, I know.  Everybody adores dead things given to them at three AM in the morning. Also, if they really thought themselves above you, they’d be on edge 24/7. No more nap times for your cat, only staring at you and refusing to turn their back to you, because that would imply trust, which your feline would not have.

They’d also—and this is very unhygienic, so maybe finish whatever you need to eat or drink before you read the next part.

All clear? Cool.

They’d also refuse to bury their poop. Because dominance. (Side note: if your cat refuses to bury their poop, get them to a hospital, just in case. Medical issues are the number one contributor to visible fecal matter in cats.)

Now, if your cat  _ likes _ you, they’ll do a number of things. Including, but not limited to: head-butting you, blinking slowly at you, scratching at you, sitting in the same room as you, imitating your position, rubbing at your legs, and sitting on your face.

Hold on, I do have explanations.

Head-butting you is a fast way of marking you as  _ theirs _ . It’s also an affectionate gesture. Think of it like a cat version of “this is my person. I like this person”. In both wild and domesticated cats, this head-butt is a way of marking members of their—whichever word you’d like to use. Pack or pride or whatever.

Blinking at you is a sign of trust. It’s a way of telling you, “I trust you not to attack me while my eyes are closed”. It’s also the closest thing I can think of to an “I love you”. If you do it back at them—blinking slowly, I mean—they’ll think of it as a “you’re safe, I’ve got you, I trust you too” kind of deal.

Scratching at you is a playing tactic. If you rub at a cat’s belly, there’s a good chance they’ll assume you’re playing and start—playfully—scratching back. Now, here’s a fun fact. Cats and dogs understand that you didn’t mean to step on their tails—or hurt them in any other way—if you immediately try to soothe them with pets and scratches and treats, because you’re showing that it was an accident by giving them positive things in apology.

Young felines and canines often get really rough without meaning to, so if you placate them afterwards they’ll assume it was an accident and forgive it easily. This also means that if you make a noise similar to a hurt kitten or puppy, they’ll understand they hurt you too much and apologize before continuing on.

Cats are aloof. They also respect personal space (unless they want pets, of course. Then it’s a completely different story). So, if they’re sitting in the same room as you, just casually doing nothing, there’s a good chance they’re regarding it as a hangout between friends while still respecting your space.

There’s a chance you’ve seen a picture of cats all in the same pose. If you haven’t, look one up. They’re all gold. Anyway, they do this as another sign of friendship. This is basically a “be in the same position so people just think we’re chilling and not doing anything suspicious”, except they actually  _ are  _ chilling and they also have nothing to hide.

Rubbing against your legs is literally just the same thing as head-butting you—they’re marking you with their scent in anything from a greeting to a continued affiliation. But, just because they’re rubbing up against your furniture, does not mean your cat’s made friends with your coffee table.

No, what they’re doing is claiming it. “This is mine now,” your cat is saying while rubbing up against your bedpost. “Mine,” they’re reiterating, doing figure-eights around your legs and doing a good job at making you wary to walk.

So, why do they sit on your face when you lie in bed with the covers drawn up to your shoulders? The answer to that is simple—you’re warm and they want your body heat. You’ve probably seen your cat lazing in that sunny spot created by the windows, moving only as the sunbeam does. That’s because the sunbeam gives them warmth.

Also, they do genuinely think you’re a dumb hairless kitten. Sorry-not-sorry.

  
  



	2. Keep Your Polish Away From Strange Onixes

Okay, so felines are all well and good. They're basic, and you can get a lot of information about them—a lot of it conflicting, but that's beside the point. 

But, one Pokémon you can't understand 'til you go out and catch one yourself? Onixes (yes, that's the proper plural). They're _so_ misleading. Honestly, even their designation within the Pokédex is flawed. 

You're not allowed to cry blasphemy two chapters in a row. Sit back down. 

Anyway. Onixes are referred to as the "rock snake" Pokémon. They don't even act like snakes! They act like  _Onixes_. There's no precise equivalent to them. They deserve their own species-word, since it would help with the registering of a lot of the Rock-types in the world. 

Hey, I said no blasphemy and I meant it. If you're so bloody attached to your Pokédex, put this book down or close the tab, 'cause this book will shatter most everything the Pokédex has down as "trivia" or "fun fact" or whatever. 

Honestly. One fact is not enough to tell you how to properly care for Pokémon. 

Moving on! One of the best-known examples of an Onix here in our good old Kanto region is Brock's Onix, who was a pain to battle even with my Squirtle's type advantage. Brock obviously takes extreme care in finding out how to properly care for his Pokémon. 

Onixes, in a pinch, are able to gain nutrients from minerals and gems, just like Sableye. Bet you didn't know that, huh? That's how scientists figured out what Sableye ate, by comparing its eating habits to a bunch of Kanto Pokémon. Guess who matched up? That's right, Onix did. 

Onixes enjoy being polished. It is to them as a brush is to fur. That is to say, it's enjoyable, it makes them feel nice, and it helps establish you as "friend" and "ally" and "trustworthy". Keep in mind that if you try to polish an Onix who you don't know, or who doesn't trust you, they'll try to ward you away. 

Using force if necessary. Now, Onixes weigh 463 lbs on average. So, while there are people who weigh more than that, it still won't be pleasant for you, if only because people have soft fleshy bits and Onixes do not. 

Keep your polish away from strange Onixes. 

That's a sentence I never thought I'd have to type up. I hope Sycamore actually lets me publish this, if only so I can be the youngest recognized regional Professor. I'll have to ask. 

Moving swiftly onwards. Did you know that an Onix holds the record for "longest-lasting Rage for a Rock-type"? Gareth Bronswick's Onix sustained a rage for thirty-seven straight hours. Not the longest sustained Rage—I may cover that in another chapter—but still something to note if you like random and mostly-useless trivia. 

Also, do try to keep in mind that Onixes seem to prefer bitter and dry flavors. It's not a guaranteed thing, of course, but scientific studies have shown that fifty-seven percent of Onixes seemed to prefer the bitterer and drier Pokéfoods. Maybe it reminds them of dirt or something.

Beyond that though, there's also the pesky matter of cleaning, since Onixes seem to dislike baths and nobody's invented an Onix shower cabin. My main advice to you is to let your Onix out when it's raining and don't comment if they turn up with bits broken off. 

Those can grow back anyway, so there's no real need to panic. I'd still recommend taking them to the nearest Pokémon Center. 

Speaking of Pokémon Centers, try to go and get an entire check-up for your entire team at least once a month. It's free anyway and it'll help you catch any potentially-threatening diseases and nip them in the bud before they get the chance to bloom. 

Most of the most common but not life-threatening ailments for an Onix start with a sensitivity to light and a tendency to sleep whenever they're not battling. If you notice those things, it'd be good to get to a Pokémon Center. 

But if their rocks start chipping off and don't grow back in, take them to Nurse Joy  _immediately_. That's basically _The Worst Thing That Could Happen_ , italics and capitals included.  

Two very horrifying things that could happen to an Onix whose rocks are chipping off are:

  1. A charming little disease called "shpon-avek", chronicled by healers in the 500s as "a [condition] that chips a [Rock-type's] armor away slowly and painfully,"  

  2. Something called "et vasa copiosa", which is a lot like shpon-avek except it's the opposite and the rocky exterior is chipping away so a new, much more painful and plentiful layer, where the Rock-type will have trouble breathing and will eventually lose the ability to move at all. 



  
If you value your Onix's life—or the life of any Rock-type, for that matter, you'll keep an eye out for chipping-but-not-regrowing Rock-types. 

Occasionally, your Onix may decide to burrow underground like a Diglett for a couple of hours. Stay patient, this is because Onixes' eyes were first meant to be used only underground in a series of caves, and eventually even their modern descendants will feel the need to burrow underground like their very-long-ago forefathers in order to escape the brightness of the sun for a bit. 

That's no cause for concern, that's just biology being slow on the uptake. Be patient, set up camp wherever your Onix is burrowed, and eventually their overstimulated eyes will be back to normal. The longest it's ever taken for an Onix to reduce their light-sensitivity is seven and a half hours. You can stay put for that long. 

Those are mostly the basics, I think. Keep in mind that an Onix can retrieve their own water. 

If this chapter was too long for you to read—sorry, by the way, I'm trying to keep this below one-thousand-five-hundred words in order to account for those with short attention spans—I may write a more detailed guide later, but mostly these shorter chapters are also easier on _me_ , so. 

Too long, didn't read? Chipping Rock-types aren't a concern unless they don't grow the rocks back, light-sensitivity probably means your Onix has a cold, and occasionally they'll burrow underground with the Diglett. Also try to keep in mind that Onixes can feed, shower, and water themselves. 


End file.
